Blood Isn't Always Family

They say that you usually learn about grief when you're into the messiest parts of it. Grief changes from person to person, situation to situation, etc. Watching my family, and family friends deal with the loss of my brother is an example of this. My grandparents set a place for him at the Thanksgiving dinner table. My grandpa changed his birthday from 02/04 to 07/22 which is my brother's birthday. My family fell apart, well I fell apart from the majority of my family. I love my mom for all that she is, and will ever be. She is the strongest woman that I know. Look, everyone says that about their mother, but mine, mine is special. My mom has overcome her drug addiction, on her own, clean and sober since I was a young teen. My mom has given up two children to families who could love them more than she could in those situations she was in. Not to say she didn't love them, but she knew they needed more than she could give. My mother loved me, and cheered me on through one of the lowest times in my life. My mother loved, cared for, and did every thing she could for my little brother. My mother held her baby boy in her arms on 07/22/1997 for the first time, and held her baby boy in her arms on 11/02/2013 for the last time. My mother is not just your average mother, my mother has super human powers that have changed me for the better. My mother will say that she isn't all that I say about her, but that's what makes her an even better mother. She is humble, she is loving, she is strong, she is independent, she is what makes me who I am. I know she is proud of me, which is why she should be proud of her.

When something this detrimental happens in a family, things change. Losing my brother made me realize that I had control over whom I wanted and didn't want living, dwelling, or being in my life. I chose to stand up for myself, and I choose to continue to do so. I need to live my life the way that I want. I've also learned a new meaning of family. I wasn't raised in your nuclear family, I've never even been apart of a nuclear family. This has been 'normal' for me. I also learned that because you have some blood from another person flowing through your veins, it doesn't necessarily mean that they are family. I have been disrespected far too many times, and far too often to consider those that have treated me like they would treat garbage, family. Does this mean I don't appreciate all that they have done for me? No, I will always show them respect, but I no longer will allow them to treat me the way that they have. 

I don't only grieve the loss of my brother, I also grieve the loss of family members, including those that have raised me, and my father. The saddest part is that the only one no longer on this earth is my brother. It is strikingly unimaginable to know that you have already lost three grand-children, and now you have lost your fourth. It is even worse to have already lost two children, almost losing a third and then to have lost that third child. I don't understand, but I understand in a sense because everyone grieves differently. I just know for a fact that I would cherish that grandchild, or child no matter the age, no matter the distance, no matter if that person was fat, thin, a smart-ass, bright, kind, hateful, loving, spiritual, religious, a mother, etc. It wouldn't matter who, or what that child/grandchild was I would love them, and would make it very known, and often. I wouldn't let them get away like that. But, like I said, grief is different person to person.

I have a lot of love, patience, and kindness to offer the world, so why let other's drain that? I will continue on in my life and enjoy the days ahead. I refuse to let my brother's legacy die. I refuse to let my brother's love die. I refuse to watch my brother's spirit die. I will continue to fight for what I believe in, and I will continue to love unconditionally.

'I know you've lost someone and it hurts. You may have lost them suddenly, unexpectedly. Or perhaps you began losing pieces of them until one day, there was nothing left. You may have known them all your life or you may have barely known them at all. Either way, it is irrelevant - you cannot control the depth of a wound another soul inflicts upon you. 

Which is why I am not here to tell you tomorrow is another day. That the sun will go on shining. Or there are plenty of fish in the sea. What I will tell you is this; it's okay to be hurting as much as you are. What you are feeling is not only completely valid but necessary - because it makes you so much more human. And though I can't promise it will get better any time soon, I can tell you that it will - eventually. For now, all you can do is take your time. Take all the time you need. - Lang Leav