Just Write

As a social worker.
As a sister.
As a daughter.
As a niece.
As a grand-daughter.
As a great-niece.
As a cousin.
As a second-cousin.
As a woman.
As a human.
I write.

I am no longer a conservative, young girl. I am now a liberal and raw, woman. I don't hide my life. I don't have a bunch of hidden secrets. Which can cause boundary issues, but I digress. My life hasn't been horrible, in fact it has been quite a good one, thus far. A few major things have happened in my life which define me:

The loss of my baby brother, Jt, in 2013.
My car accident in 2007.
Living with my grandparents the majority of my childhood, at least the majority of the parts I can remember.

The loss of my brother has been devastating. It isn't just a simple, small, loss. He wasn't old, but he wasn't particularly young. He didn't get to live his life into his late 90's. He did get to enjoy a childhood. I want to feel happy for him, that he is no longer in pain. It's just that, my heart cannot do this yet. It's weird to go through a loss so monumental in your early 20's. To watch the person that you have held it all together for your entire life, crumble, does something to a girl. Jt was 16 years old with a neuromuscular disease called, Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. During his Junior year of high school he went to school a total of five times. During those five times Jt was sick, vomiting in one of the special education classes, not able to go to class. Now, this was a place you wouldn't find Jt, unless he was very ill. Jt wasn't mentally disabled, just physically. He never wanted to be grouped  into a cluster, such as Special Ed. Although, he had nothing bad to say about any other person with a disability. - In fact, he never had anything bad to say about anyone, ever. Jt was the most loving and sincere person that I knew. As his big sister, I knew a different side of Jt than most. We fought, a lot, but mostly to annoy our mother. We never meant it, and even when we had huge arguments where one of us would get our feelings hurt we were over it before the next time we would see each other. - Jt was taken to many doctors, and many hospitals, and seen over and over, and all anyone could say was that Jt had a virus. My mother would point out the swelling in his legs, and they would disregard her, ignore her, not hear a word she had to say. Finally and dreadfully, my mom took Jt to Primary Children's Medical Center in Salt Lake City, where the doctor had not-so-good news for my mother and my brother. My brother had Extreme Congestive Heart Failure, and it was getting worse by the minute. My brother was admitted. My baby brother was hooked up to tubes, and wires, and test after test was run. My mother by his side, day and night. He made the decision not to go out of state and have something put in his heart to keep it running while he would be on a heart transplant list. I felt my family was in a whirlwind of mixed thoughts, and emotions. Jt, a 16 year old just made the decision to not even try and continue his life. Jt knew that if he even tried the surgery he wouldn't make it, that is heart wasn't even strong enough. Jt knew that this disease would again, kill his new heart. Jt knew that there were many other children and adults, with healthy bodies that needed the same heart some of the family wanted Jt to try and get. Jt made an adult decision, and although I already had respect for my brother, my respect grew by 1,000% that day for my sweet baby brother. Jt had a little machine put into his arm in order to go home with the heart medication. We ensured the home was safe for him to come home to, got hospice on board, and took my baby brother home. Coach Kyle Whittingham came, with a few linemen from the University of Utah to visit and see Jt. Coach also gave Jt sideline passes, along with a meet-and-greet after the Standford game in 2013. Jt went to his last football game, physically. He then had the neighborhood greet him after the wonderful win. Jt then didn't come out of the house again until the coroners came to take him. It's crazy to think that all of this happened, and I am now really able to write about it. There is much more, much, much, more. I am writing about all of it in my own book. I am half way through with writing, though that could become 3/4 or 1/4 at any time. I'll keep you posted on how that works out and let you know when it is out so that you can continue to read this entire journey.

Life sucks, and in the same breath I can say that life is amazing. Please know that no matter what you will survive whatever it is that you feel is crushing you. You will make it, and you will let the world hear your ROAR. That's all you can do. As a social worker it is my duty to move though these feelings, before continuing my education. So, here I sit. Some days it take a lot of glitter to bring out my smile. Some days it takes two (2) pots of coffee to get me moving. My doctor may say that is not healthy, but life must go on.

Be Beautiful. Be Kind. Be Amazing. Be You.
Most of all, LOVE fiercely and with all the strength left inside of you.

Xo,
K