Blood Isn't Always Family

They say that you usually learn about grief when you're into the messiest parts of it. Grief changes from person to person, situation to situation, etc. Watching my family, and family friends deal with the loss of my brother is an example of this. My grandparents set a place for him at the Thanksgiving dinner table. My grandpa changed his birthday from 02/04 to 07/22 which is my brother's birthday. My family fell apart, well I fell apart from the majority of my family. I love my mom for all that she is, and will ever be. She is the strongest woman that I know. Look, everyone says that about their mother, but mine, mine is special. My mom has overcome her drug addiction, on her own, clean and sober since I was a young teen. My mom has given up two children to families who could love them more than she could in those situations she was in. Not to say she didn't love them, but she knew they needed more than she could give. My mother loved me, and cheered me on through one of the lowest times in my life. My mother loved, cared for, and did every thing she could for my little brother. My mother held her baby boy in her arms on 07/22/1997 for the first time, and held her baby boy in her arms on 11/02/2013 for the last time. My mother is not just your average mother, my mother has super human powers that have changed me for the better. My mother will say that she isn't all that I say about her, but that's what makes her an even better mother. She is humble, she is loving, she is strong, she is independent, she is what makes me who I am. I know she is proud of me, which is why she should be proud of her.

When something this detrimental happens in a family, things change. Losing my brother made me realize that I had control over whom I wanted and didn't want living, dwelling, or being in my life. I chose to stand up for myself, and I choose to continue to do so. I need to live my life the way that I want. I've also learned a new meaning of family. I wasn't raised in your nuclear family, I've never even been apart of a nuclear family. This has been 'normal' for me. I also learned that because you have some blood from another person flowing through your veins, it doesn't necessarily mean that they are family. I have been disrespected far too many times, and far too often to consider those that have treated me like they would treat garbage, family. Does this mean I don't appreciate all that they have done for me? No, I will always show them respect, but I no longer will allow them to treat me the way that they have. 

I don't only grieve the loss of my brother, I also grieve the loss of family members, including those that have raised me, and my father. The saddest part is that the only one no longer on this earth is my brother. It is strikingly unimaginable to know that you have already lost three grand-children, and now you have lost your fourth. It is even worse to have already lost two children, almost losing a third and then to have lost that third child. I don't understand, but I understand in a sense because everyone grieves differently. I just know for a fact that I would cherish that grandchild, or child no matter the age, no matter the distance, no matter if that person was fat, thin, a smart-ass, bright, kind, hateful, loving, spiritual, religious, a mother, etc. It wouldn't matter who, or what that child/grandchild was I would love them, and would make it very known, and often. I wouldn't let them get away like that. But, like I said, grief is different person to person.

I have a lot of love, patience, and kindness to offer the world, so why let other's drain that? I will continue on in my life and enjoy the days ahead. I refuse to let my brother's legacy die. I refuse to let my brother's love die. I refuse to watch my brother's spirit die. I will continue to fight for what I believe in, and I will continue to love unconditionally.

'I know you've lost someone and it hurts. You may have lost them suddenly, unexpectedly. Or perhaps you began losing pieces of them until one day, there was nothing left. You may have known them all your life or you may have barely known them at all. Either way, it is irrelevant - you cannot control the depth of a wound another soul inflicts upon you. 

Which is why I am not here to tell you tomorrow is another day. That the sun will go on shining. Or there are plenty of fish in the sea. What I will tell you is this; it's okay to be hurting as much as you are. What you are feeling is not only completely valid but necessary - because it makes you so much more human. And though I can't promise it will get better any time soon, I can tell you that it will - eventually. For now, all you can do is take your time. Take all the time you need. - Lang Leav

Just Write

As a social worker.
As a sister.
As a daughter.
As a niece.
As a grand-daughter.
As a great-niece.
As a cousin.
As a second-cousin.
As a woman.
As a human.
I write.

I am no longer a conservative, young girl. I am now a liberal and raw, woman. I don't hide my life. I don't have a bunch of hidden secrets. Which can cause boundary issues, but I digress. My life hasn't been horrible, in fact it has been quite a good one, thus far. A few major things have happened in my life which define me:

The loss of my baby brother, Jt, in 2013.
My car accident in 2007.
Living with my grandparents the majority of my childhood, at least the majority of the parts I can remember.

The loss of my brother has been devastating. It isn't just a simple, small, loss. He wasn't old, but he wasn't particularly young. He didn't get to live his life into his late 90's. He did get to enjoy a childhood. I want to feel happy for him, that he is no longer in pain. It's just that, my heart cannot do this yet. It's weird to go through a loss so monumental in your early 20's. To watch the person that you have held it all together for your entire life, crumble, does something to a girl. Jt was 16 years old with a neuromuscular disease called, Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. During his Junior year of high school he went to school a total of five times. During those five times Jt was sick, vomiting in one of the special education classes, not able to go to class. Now, this was a place you wouldn't find Jt, unless he was very ill. Jt wasn't mentally disabled, just physically. He never wanted to be grouped  into a cluster, such as Special Ed. Although, he had nothing bad to say about any other person with a disability. - In fact, he never had anything bad to say about anyone, ever. Jt was the most loving and sincere person that I knew. As his big sister, I knew a different side of Jt than most. We fought, a lot, but mostly to annoy our mother. We never meant it, and even when we had huge arguments where one of us would get our feelings hurt we were over it before the next time we would see each other. - Jt was taken to many doctors, and many hospitals, and seen over and over, and all anyone could say was that Jt had a virus. My mother would point out the swelling in his legs, and they would disregard her, ignore her, not hear a word she had to say. Finally and dreadfully, my mom took Jt to Primary Children's Medical Center in Salt Lake City, where the doctor had not-so-good news for my mother and my brother. My brother had Extreme Congestive Heart Failure, and it was getting worse by the minute. My brother was admitted. My baby brother was hooked up to tubes, and wires, and test after test was run. My mother by his side, day and night. He made the decision not to go out of state and have something put in his heart to keep it running while he would be on a heart transplant list. I felt my family was in a whirlwind of mixed thoughts, and emotions. Jt, a 16 year old just made the decision to not even try and continue his life. Jt knew that if he even tried the surgery he wouldn't make it, that is heart wasn't even strong enough. Jt knew that this disease would again, kill his new heart. Jt knew that there were many other children and adults, with healthy bodies that needed the same heart some of the family wanted Jt to try and get. Jt made an adult decision, and although I already had respect for my brother, my respect grew by 1,000% that day for my sweet baby brother. Jt had a little machine put into his arm in order to go home with the heart medication. We ensured the home was safe for him to come home to, got hospice on board, and took my baby brother home. Coach Kyle Whittingham came, with a few linemen from the University of Utah to visit and see Jt. Coach also gave Jt sideline passes, along with a meet-and-greet after the Standford game in 2013. Jt went to his last football game, physically. He then had the neighborhood greet him after the wonderful win. Jt then didn't come out of the house again until the coroners came to take him. It's crazy to think that all of this happened, and I am now really able to write about it. There is much more, much, much, more. I am writing about all of it in my own book. I am half way through with writing, though that could become 3/4 or 1/4 at any time. I'll keep you posted on how that works out and let you know when it is out so that you can continue to read this entire journey.

Life sucks, and in the same breath I can say that life is amazing. Please know that no matter what you will survive whatever it is that you feel is crushing you. You will make it, and you will let the world hear your ROAR. That's all you can do. As a social worker it is my duty to move though these feelings, before continuing my education. So, here I sit. Some days it take a lot of glitter to bring out my smile. Some days it takes two (2) pots of coffee to get me moving. My doctor may say that is not healthy, but life must go on.

Be Beautiful. Be Kind. Be Amazing. Be You.
Most of all, LOVE fiercely and with all the strength left inside of you.

Xo,
K