Blood Isn't Always Family

They say that you usually learn about grief when you're into the messiest parts of it. Grief changes from person to person, situation to situation, etc. Watching my family, and family friends deal with the loss of my brother is an example of this. My grandparents set a place for him at the Thanksgiving dinner table. My grandpa changed his birthday from 02/04 to 07/22 which is my brother's birthday. My family fell apart, well I fell apart from the majority of my family. I love my mom for all that she is, and will ever be. She is the strongest woman that I know. Look, everyone says that about their mother, but mine, mine is special. My mom has overcome her drug addiction, on her own, clean and sober since I was a young teen. My mom has given up two children to families who could love them more than she could in those situations she was in. Not to say she didn't love them, but she knew they needed more than she could give. My mother loved me, and cheered me on through one of the lowest times in my life. My mother loved, cared for, and did every thing she could for my little brother. My mother held her baby boy in her arms on 07/22/1997 for the first time, and held her baby boy in her arms on 11/02/2013 for the last time. My mother is not just your average mother, my mother has super human powers that have changed me for the better. My mother will say that she isn't all that I say about her, but that's what makes her an even better mother. She is humble, she is loving, she is strong, she is independent, she is what makes me who I am. I know she is proud of me, which is why she should be proud of her.

When something this detrimental happens in a family, things change. Losing my brother made me realize that I had control over whom I wanted and didn't want living, dwelling, or being in my life. I chose to stand up for myself, and I choose to continue to do so. I need to live my life the way that I want. I've also learned a new meaning of family. I wasn't raised in your nuclear family, I've never even been apart of a nuclear family. This has been 'normal' for me. I also learned that because you have some blood from another person flowing through your veins, it doesn't necessarily mean that they are family. I have been disrespected far too many times, and far too often to consider those that have treated me like they would treat garbage, family. Does this mean I don't appreciate all that they have done for me? No, I will always show them respect, but I no longer will allow them to treat me the way that they have. 

I don't only grieve the loss of my brother, I also grieve the loss of family members, including those that have raised me, and my father. The saddest part is that the only one no longer on this earth is my brother. It is strikingly unimaginable to know that you have already lost three grand-children, and now you have lost your fourth. It is even worse to have already lost two children, almost losing a third and then to have lost that third child. I don't understand, but I understand in a sense because everyone grieves differently. I just know for a fact that I would cherish that grandchild, or child no matter the age, no matter the distance, no matter if that person was fat, thin, a smart-ass, bright, kind, hateful, loving, spiritual, religious, a mother, etc. It wouldn't matter who, or what that child/grandchild was I would love them, and would make it very known, and often. I wouldn't let them get away like that. But, like I said, grief is different person to person.

I have a lot of love, patience, and kindness to offer the world, so why let other's drain that? I will continue on in my life and enjoy the days ahead. I refuse to let my brother's legacy die. I refuse to let my brother's love die. I refuse to watch my brother's spirit die. I will continue to fight for what I believe in, and I will continue to love unconditionally.

'I know you've lost someone and it hurts. You may have lost them suddenly, unexpectedly. Or perhaps you began losing pieces of them until one day, there was nothing left. You may have known them all your life or you may have barely known them at all. Either way, it is irrelevant - you cannot control the depth of a wound another soul inflicts upon you. 

Which is why I am not here to tell you tomorrow is another day. That the sun will go on shining. Or there are plenty of fish in the sea. What I will tell you is this; it's okay to be hurting as much as you are. What you are feeling is not only completely valid but necessary - because it makes you so much more human. And though I can't promise it will get better any time soon, I can tell you that it will - eventually. For now, all you can do is take your time. Take all the time you need. - Lang Leav

Just Write

As a social worker.
As a sister.
As a daughter.
As a niece.
As a grand-daughter.
As a great-niece.
As a cousin.
As a second-cousin.
As a woman.
As a human.
I write.

I am no longer a conservative, young girl. I am now a liberal and raw, woman. I don't hide my life. I don't have a bunch of hidden secrets. Which can cause boundary issues, but I digress. My life hasn't been horrible, in fact it has been quite a good one, thus far. A few major things have happened in my life which define me:

The loss of my baby brother, Jt, in 2013.
My car accident in 2007.
Living with my grandparents the majority of my childhood, at least the majority of the parts I can remember.

The loss of my brother has been devastating. It isn't just a simple, small, loss. He wasn't old, but he wasn't particularly young. He didn't get to live his life into his late 90's. He did get to enjoy a childhood. I want to feel happy for him, that he is no longer in pain. It's just that, my heart cannot do this yet. It's weird to go through a loss so monumental in your early 20's. To watch the person that you have held it all together for your entire life, crumble, does something to a girl. Jt was 16 years old with a neuromuscular disease called, Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. During his Junior year of high school he went to school a total of five times. During those five times Jt was sick, vomiting in one of the special education classes, not able to go to class. Now, this was a place you wouldn't find Jt, unless he was very ill. Jt wasn't mentally disabled, just physically. He never wanted to be grouped  into a cluster, such as Special Ed. Although, he had nothing bad to say about any other person with a disability. - In fact, he never had anything bad to say about anyone, ever. Jt was the most loving and sincere person that I knew. As his big sister, I knew a different side of Jt than most. We fought, a lot, but mostly to annoy our mother. We never meant it, and even when we had huge arguments where one of us would get our feelings hurt we were over it before the next time we would see each other. - Jt was taken to many doctors, and many hospitals, and seen over and over, and all anyone could say was that Jt had a virus. My mother would point out the swelling in his legs, and they would disregard her, ignore her, not hear a word she had to say. Finally and dreadfully, my mom took Jt to Primary Children's Medical Center in Salt Lake City, where the doctor had not-so-good news for my mother and my brother. My brother had Extreme Congestive Heart Failure, and it was getting worse by the minute. My brother was admitted. My baby brother was hooked up to tubes, and wires, and test after test was run. My mother by his side, day and night. He made the decision not to go out of state and have something put in his heart to keep it running while he would be on a heart transplant list. I felt my family was in a whirlwind of mixed thoughts, and emotions. Jt, a 16 year old just made the decision to not even try and continue his life. Jt knew that if he even tried the surgery he wouldn't make it, that is heart wasn't even strong enough. Jt knew that this disease would again, kill his new heart. Jt knew that there were many other children and adults, with healthy bodies that needed the same heart some of the family wanted Jt to try and get. Jt made an adult decision, and although I already had respect for my brother, my respect grew by 1,000% that day for my sweet baby brother. Jt had a little machine put into his arm in order to go home with the heart medication. We ensured the home was safe for him to come home to, got hospice on board, and took my baby brother home. Coach Kyle Whittingham came, with a few linemen from the University of Utah to visit and see Jt. Coach also gave Jt sideline passes, along with a meet-and-greet after the Standford game in 2013. Jt went to his last football game, physically. He then had the neighborhood greet him after the wonderful win. Jt then didn't come out of the house again until the coroners came to take him. It's crazy to think that all of this happened, and I am now really able to write about it. There is much more, much, much, more. I am writing about all of it in my own book. I am half way through with writing, though that could become 3/4 or 1/4 at any time. I'll keep you posted on how that works out and let you know when it is out so that you can continue to read this entire journey.

Life sucks, and in the same breath I can say that life is amazing. Please know that no matter what you will survive whatever it is that you feel is crushing you. You will make it, and you will let the world hear your ROAR. That's all you can do. As a social worker it is my duty to move though these feelings, before continuing my education. So, here I sit. Some days it take a lot of glitter to bring out my smile. Some days it takes two (2) pots of coffee to get me moving. My doctor may say that is not healthy, but life must go on.

Be Beautiful. Be Kind. Be Amazing. Be You.
Most of all, LOVE fiercely and with all the strength left inside of you.

Xo,
K 

Decisions

We have all been there. In those moments that we have to make life altering decisions. You apply for something and hope and 'pray' and wish and dream that you will get it. You are confident in your abilities, yet you doubt yourself once or twice. Then, the denial/approval letter comes and it says that you were accepted. They want you; you of all people. You jump for joy, celebrate, spread it on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. You text all of you friends. You call your closest relatives. All you think about is where this will lead you. Then two weeks before you deny the acceptance, even though you have already accepted. You really dig deep, hoping that you are making the right decision. You know it is the right one if you feel lighter the morning after this HUGE decision is made. 

I was accepted into an Advance Standing position to the program I never thought I would apply for as I didn't think I would get in. At the University of Utah if you earn your Bachelor of Social Work, you may apply for the Advance Standing Master of Social Work program. I applied, was accepted, accepted the offer, and have since declined this same offer. 

I don't owe anyone an explanation, but I want to put it out there, that sometimes decisions are out of our control. Ultimately, I would be going, but my heart and soul say it isn't the time. My heart is so broken from losing my baby brother, and there is this darkening cloud of sorrow growing over my head. It's time to deal with this grief in a way that my heart can at least be patient with me. I will get there. When that day happens I can move onto the next stage of my professional life, until then I will go on with my life. 

Namaste. 

Vegas

My grandmother and I went to Vegas once, or twice when I was just 18 years old. On this one particular trip we were riding the bus back to our hotel. On the bus ride we started to talk to this lady who was sitting with her daughter. My grandmother and I are NOT shy. So, in an instant we were talking with this woman, and her daughter. 
       After we acknowledged how adorable her daughter was, and after I gave the young girl some peachy-o candy, (I LOVE CANDY!) we started to talk more and more. The lady was talking about going pan-handling with her daughter. I hadn't ever heard of a pan-handler. Sure, I saw those struggling, and asking for money on their signs around Vegas, but I didn't know there was a term they used for themselves; or really that society gave them. After about a thirty minute conversation we learned so much about this woman. 
* She was a single mother.
* She had three children, two school age, one not school age (the one with her.) 
* Her braces were broken because she couldn't afford to complete her orthodontist appointments. 
* She had to take her daughter with her 'pan-handling' because she couldn't afford day care.
* Her likes, dislikes, the better parts of Vegas. What not to miss, what to not even think about doing, etc. 

After our conversation, my grandmother and I looked at each other. We knew we needed to give her some money. We handed her a $20, to which she said, I didn't tell you all of that for money. We KNEW that that wasn't the reason. We were persistent, to which she took the money. We then invited them to meet us at Freemont Street that evening around a set time. She said she would be there, with all of her children for us to meet. She said she knew that her one girl would absolutely adore me. 

We finished our day, and finally arrived to Freemont Street and after about thirty minutes of walking around we saw this woman, with her son, daughter, and youngest in a stroller. To see how happy they were just to be with each other was beautiful. Her older daughter hugged me, and we had some conversation before we went our separate ways. 

Sometimes you meet people you will NEVER forget. This lady is just one person I am thankful to have met in my lifetime. Sometimes you are put in people's lives for reasons you don't ever really know; or find out. 

Social Work has been such a large part of my life, before I ever knew there was such a thing. I am beyond blessed, and beyond thankful, and so happy that I am doing what I love. Also, that I have had experiences like this that I will never forget. 

Black Eye Children, Indians, and Baby B.

A week or so ago my little cousin Baby B, over heard a conversation my aunts A and L had. Well, we thought he was not listening, but watching T.V. Let me just say, we were wrong. Whenever you are talking about something you don't want children to catch on to they sure catch on! Except it's funny because what we were talking about turned south really quickly when he started to explain it to us. 

Actual conversation (not verbatim): 

A: 'Black eye children, look it up!'

L: 'Oh man, I forgot about that.'

Me: *google ... search ... Black Eye Children ... Images ... 'oh my'.

A: Yeah, if they come to your door DO NOT let them in.

*Conversation, yadda, yadda*

A: 'Indian's wipe their feet when they go inside their homes, as to not invite any unwanted presence in their homes.'

Me: 'That's interesting and good to know.' 

Conversation dwindles.

Baby B's version of the conversation (verbatim):

BB: 'Don't trust black people, they could be Indians.'

Roar of laughter, and an attempt to explain that this is not true. 

This folks, is why I am a social worker. This folks, is why you need to not speak poorly of any person because your children will pick up what you say and twist it, or copy exactly what you say. *Although we weren't speaking poorly upon any person, just simply discussing horrifying 'real' or 'fake' BLACK EYED CHILDREN. Please be warned, do not look this up unless you are alright with being terrified for a week, month or years later. 

PASSION

My passions are not simple, they are quite complicated. My passions are deep, my passions are from deep within my soul. My passions didn't just happen. My passions define me. 

1. Social Work

   a. Global Social Work

   b. School Social Work

   c. Disability Studies

   d. Women's Studies

   e. Everything else regarding social work, because it all ties in together one way or another. 

I am bless to have found Social Work. Social Work defines me, as a woman, as a human, as an american. If it weren't for Social Work I wouldn't be the person that I am today. I am thankful, from the deepest part of my soul, I am thankful.

2. Finding/Searching for a cure for Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy

   a. For Jt

   b. For Christopher

   c. For every current person affected with this or by this horrible disease.

   d. For every future person affected with this or by this horrible disease.

Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy took my best friend, by baby brother, and my favorite person, Jt, from my grasp on 11/02/2013 around 3 AM. It will one day take my other brother, Christopher. Both of these boys are so important to me, and just because they are gone does not mean that the fight doesn't continue. They give me the strength to get out of bed each day and greet the world with a smile (on most days.)

3. Africa

   a. Ghana

   b. Building an orphanage in Africa

   c. African smiles

   d. African laughter

   e. African spirit

   f. The children of Africa.

   g. The culture of Africa.

   h. The happiness in Africa.

To be honest, Africa is where my heart is. Africa is where I will one day live. I believe that I was once an African, maybe in another life. My soul connects with each African that I meet, and when I read books on Africa I have deja vu. I love everything regarding Africa, especially all of the happy people.

4. Humanitarianism

   a. Being pro-life

   b. Being pro-choice

   c. Being pro-same sex marriage

   d. Being pro-immigration reform

First of all I have to thank the universe for giving me Social Work. Without Social Work I would not be a humanitarian. I LOVE people. I LOVE culture. We all have a truth. Your truth is just that, your truth. When we take a deeper look, we look past each person's individual truth. No matter your truth, no matter my truth, one thing is certain. We must give others the rights that we wish for ourselves, and for our future generations.

 5. Passions that only affect me:

   a. Coffee

   b. Wine

   c. Sushi

   d. My fiance

   e. Education

I don't know how I would get through live without the above five things. They bring me so much joy, happiness, and love. They help me through my hard times, good times, and I know they will be there at the end of the day, despite everything else. If they haven't been there and/or won't be there they have brought me to where I am today. I am eternally grateful for my fiance, and for every single one of my teachers, for without them I wouldn't be able to be me. Their passion has assisted in my passion, there is no way to every re-pay them besides being the best person that I can be. 

Here I am, begging you to get out and find your passion, find a new passion, or fine tune the one you have already found. It's important to have some one 'double-dog' dare you to do something once in a while, and I have officially given you one for the year. Think about it; write it down, preferably somewhere you will see it each day. My mirror is the best place, as I look there each day, and I am bound to see it. Have fun with it, and really dig deep to your soul and find your passions.

 

ADVICE

People give advice whether you want it or not.  Here is one thing I promise you, the advice I'm about to give you, you will never forget. 

Don't ever let anyone dull your sparkle.

This means to never give your power over to someone else. That moment you give your power over to someone else is the moment that your sparkle begins to dull. 'Power' can mean many things, and you can define your power, that's not up to my discretion. 

If someone does end up dulling your sparkle, know that you can get it back. This is totally up to your discretion as well. The time it takes isn't what is important. What is important is that you do it, in whatever means possible. 

I listen to music, I surround myself by those that I love and that love me. I sing, I dance, I drink coffee, I drink wine ... I do, just as I am asking you to do. I do whatever it takes, by whatever means possible. It can take me anywhere from a few moments up to weeks to regain my sparkle, but I do it. That's the important part. The important part? You don't have to do it alone.